For the past month, my friend, Hiram Hope, has been acting quite bizarre. Hiram operates the Faith, Hope and Charity Cafe, which is in the center of---on the square---in downtown Snapsville.
Hiram's wierd behavior started when he first learned that the Snapsville Mall planned to lease-out space for a Starbucks. Although the Mall is nearly three miles away Hiram has been concerned that he will take a huge hit with each morning's business. The Cafe was renovated and repainted an ivory color followwing a grease fire three years ago. Since then its been known as the New White Hope Cafe or simply Hope on the Square.
We, old guys usually have a 6:00 AM roundtable there. By that time Hiram's wife, Stormy, is in the back mixing pancake batter and such, and the waitress, Faith, is flirting with the early customers including our group.
We have all insisted to Hiram that he should not sweat Starbucks and that their customers are a different breed entirely. The more we stay on that subject, the more Hiram expresses paranoia
For instance, on Friday, he hired two ladies, Fern and Deana, from his adjunct wait staff. Each lady stood beside a small table covered with cups of hot coffee. Fern's table had cups that were labeled 'Starbucks Tall, $1.65' and consisted of Starbucks 8 ounce, smallest cup size. Not tall at all.
Deana's table displayed Hope's 12-ounce, brimming cups, which were clearly priced at $.75.
If potential customers approached the Starbucks table, Fern would hand the customer a full Starbucks cup and say, "Please enjoy a tall one."
Then, Deana would approach and rudely interrupt, "You call that tall? Let me show you a 'real' tall."
It was kind of a Crocodile Dundee moment without the knife.
The customers were entertained by the clever stunt but not too many mid-morning coffee seekers actually wanted to imbibe twelve additional ounces of hot caffiene.
Hiram let Fern and Deana tote the untouched, full, cups back to the unemployment office, from whence they had come, and where it was joyously received.
Last week, though, takes the cake. I don't think Hiram is Bipolar, but if he is, he was having a very magical manic moment.
We came in for the 6:00 AM roundtable and found four large American flags were situated behind a desk. Chairs had been placed, in a semi-circle, in front of the desk and the juke box was playing Ray Charles' rendition of 'America the Beautiful'. Hiram's six-year-old nephew, Foster, was capturing the moment, snapping pictures with Hiram's cell phone.
Already seated were Josh Rugby, sports writer for the Snapsville Postscript, Reverend Ross of 3rd Pentecostal and Father Hopkins of Our Lady of the Mountain Dew.
Also, a family of tourists as well as Fern and Deana.
Hiram, looking somber, asked that we be quiet. He then strolled behind the desk, stared at us and began:
"My fellow Americans, my friends, my customers, my spouse and my employees---do not laugh!---Whoa! Let the laughing cease! I am announcing my candidacy for the presidency of the United States.---Whoa!
I have consulted at length with my loving wife, Stormy, and with Reverend Ross and I have spent many hours researching the Web. I have ordered a kit for $59.95 that explains how to get on the ballot in all 50 states and how to raise substantial money from the Internet. Soon, I will get into my platform shoes and we can go over the issues.
Meanwhile, I want to appoint and deputize each of you as members of my inner-circle, as my handlers, and as my spokespeople.
Faith, my waitress, has some literature for you. So, as you leave, walk by Faith. That's our strategy for now---to walk by Faith".
There was intermittent applause.
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