Hiram actually seemed chipper, as he mixed pancake batter with pithy banter at 6:00 AM. in the Hope Cafe. His customer base (for breakfast) consisted of six or seven loyalists.
Josh Rugby was first to arrive, "Hi, Hiram. Who do you like in the Series?"
"I don't care, if the Braves aren't in it. They let me down---Come to think of it---I let a bunch of people down, too"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, man! Look for the silver lining."
Josh, although he had written a piece on the Obama/McCain debate at Hofstra, he would stay clear of politcal talk. The Surprise Party had unceremoniously dumped Hiram, while he was confined at the Snaps Mental Resource Center. The rejection letter was short and to the point:
Dear Mr. Hope:
In view of your boorish conduct, commencing in January, 2,008 and continuing, you will disassociate yourself with the Surprise
Party, it's platform, it's creed, it's song and it's bird, effective
ASAP.
The letter was unsigned but on official party stationery.
Reverend Ross was the next customer and he offered to exchange, with Hiram, three weeks of counseling, for ten breakfasts. This offer was politely declined.
It had turned into a routine, humdrum, morming. Stormy, his spouse, had her hands full with their year old tot, Herkimer, but she did find time to do Rainy days and Monday's banana pudding. After all, it was drizzling.
The afternoon was not humdrum. Hiram's nephew Foster, a second grader, had to 'stay in' for pulling a chair out from another student.
Hiram had to leave the Cafe and make peace with the teacher and the injured kid's parents who were threatening a lawsuit.
When he returned to the diner he noticed an obese man eating cherry pie. A closer glimpse revealed him to be the one and only, John Shumaker, the chairman of the Surprise Party.
"Hello Hiram. We have to talk."
What unmitigated nerve, thought Hiram, but he remained silent.
Shumaker apologized for abandoning Hiram. Then he swooped in with the meat.
"Hiram, the Surprise Party is only on the ballot in nine states and I'm pretty desperate. We need a candidate to stand up for us now in the nine states and to go on and represent us in the 2,012 election. We need a courageous, energetic, above reproach, person".
Hiram beamed with an egotistic smile. "Well, just who might that person be?"
"Since Ms. Palin has tested the waters with much sucess, we would be pleased to have as the 2,012 candidate of the Surprise Party, former runner up for Miss. Kentucky, Ms. Stormy Hope."
Hiram rolled his eyes and was close to tears.
John laughed and all his 325 lbs shook.
"Nope, I'm just teasing! I wouldn't take Stormy away from that banana pudding. We are stuck with you, Mr Hope, and congratulations."
All was forgiven.
_________________
10/14/2008
1/29/2008
The Hiram Hope Hiatus
It's been a long time since you've heard from us and a lot has happened. Just before August 1st, reacting to the aggregate pressures of the cafe fire, the political race, and Stormy's pregnancy, Hiram snapped. He had a severe emotional and nervous breakdown.
It was on July 28th that Hiram simply threw a screaming, hissy fit in which he verbally attacked us all. He fired Steve, his quirky brother, and his waitress, Faith. He also discharged all the volunteer campaign workers including Josh Rugby and me.
The next day he stood in the street, on the square, where he played a bass drum and tried to auction off the Hope Cafe to passersby.
He received a $147 bid which he almost accepted. After a couple of hours, Hiram was making so much noise, that Patrolman Adair took him in.
The Chief of Police, convinced that Hiram's erractic behaviour was serious and not from temporary substance abuse, transported him over to the Mental Health Resource Center at Snaps County Hospital. Patrolman Adair brought Stormy to this facility where she signed to admit Hiram.
He spent 80 days as an inpatient. Now, at his discharge, his prognosis is good but he must avoid heavy stress and stay on his medications, primarily a sensational new pill called La-la-lan.
_________________
Herkimer Hiram Hope was born August 16, weighing in at 9 lbs, 2 oz. The grandparents, Sinbad and Bambi, immediately came to help Stormy with the baby and as of late January, they are still in residence at the Hope abode. The baby is normal, cute and fine.
Steve supervised and completed the fire damage repairs and Hiram is now thinking of reopening. He wants to bring back the old crew.
Faith is now working at the Cracker Barrel and is making a good bit more, but she is on her feet a good bit more. She misses being allowed to flirt with the customers and of course she misses Hiram's political shenanigans. She is expected to return.
Hiram also wants to restart and reinvigorate the campaign but knows the powers at the Surprise Party will be less than enthusiastic. He has also inquired of Josh Rugby and me and we have both agreed to go slow.
That's a conditional 'maybe'.
It was on July 28th that Hiram simply threw a screaming, hissy fit in which he verbally attacked us all. He fired Steve, his quirky brother, and his waitress, Faith. He also discharged all the volunteer campaign workers including Josh Rugby and me.
The next day he stood in the street, on the square, where he played a bass drum and tried to auction off the Hope Cafe to passersby.
He received a $147 bid which he almost accepted. After a couple of hours, Hiram was making so much noise, that Patrolman Adair took him in.
The Chief of Police, convinced that Hiram's erractic behaviour was serious and not from temporary substance abuse, transported him over to the Mental Health Resource Center at Snaps County Hospital. Patrolman Adair brought Stormy to this facility where she signed to admit Hiram.
He spent 80 days as an inpatient. Now, at his discharge, his prognosis is good but he must avoid heavy stress and stay on his medications, primarily a sensational new pill called La-la-lan.
_________________
Herkimer Hiram Hope was born August 16, weighing in at 9 lbs, 2 oz. The grandparents, Sinbad and Bambi, immediately came to help Stormy with the baby and as of late January, they are still in residence at the Hope abode. The baby is normal, cute and fine.
Steve supervised and completed the fire damage repairs and Hiram is now thinking of reopening. He wants to bring back the old crew.
Faith is now working at the Cracker Barrel and is making a good bit more, but she is on her feet a good bit more. She misses being allowed to flirt with the customers and of course she misses Hiram's political shenanigans. She is expected to return.
Hiram also wants to restart and reinvigorate the campaign but knows the powers at the Surprise Party will be less than enthusiastic. He has also inquired of Josh Rugby and me and we have both agreed to go slow.
That's a conditional 'maybe'.
7/21/2007
Communication in Politics
On the day scheduled for an inspection of the Hope Cafe's damages, the adjuster from Great Harpoon Insurance was a no-show. Late in the day, he did call and spoke to Steve, Hiram's quirky brother. The adjuster didn't apologize, but stated that he had a more important claim to handle and would be back to Hiram within a few days. In the meantime, he would send a packet of forms.
Hiram was furious. He urgently needed to commence both the cleanup and the repairs. He had to replenish the food inventory and announce a reopening date. Also, on his hands; the political campaign and a tempermental, 8 1/2, month, pregnant spouse.
He would call Great Harpoon's Home Office and demand immediate action. Unfortunately, the only address he could find, was the wording on the cover of the Company's comic book type policy. That is, "Located deep within the Bermuda Triangle.
He had premium notices from the Happy Bank of the Cayman Islands, but this institution listed only a post office box. No telephone numbers and no URLs. In Snapsville, not even the local insurance agent had additional information. Hiram felt like the oft disrespected comedian, Rodney Dangerfield.
As part of the Surprise Party's surprise campaign training, it's candidates have been learning more about the Internet and about computers in general. For instance, Hiram had learned about a massive, search engine called 'Google' where one can look up practically anything, at no charge, and usually recieve a fast, somewhat credible, answer. Hiram decided to try it.
Since Great Harpoon is 'deep within the Bermuda Triangle', Hiram clicked in the company name, and also the word: Triangle. The screen promptly spit out numerous trigonometry links as well as a list of insurance companies that have been associated with the notorius triangle On the list, there it was: Great Harpoon.
The display gave both an '800' number, and a list of the officers and directors including:
Roth Ira -- President and CEO
Reg Ular Ira -- Vice President of Claims
401 Kaye -- Secretary
Hiram dialed and got through to Ms. 401 Kaye. She informed him that the Great Harpoon home office is located on a ship, actually a 102 foot whaler, that struggles to stay afloat (the Company and the ship).
On board, there is a crew of ten exchange students and, five bearded executives, (including Ms. 401 Kaye) who are all related.
The vessel is loaded with communications gear, blank and moldy comic book insurance policies, cash and captured pirate treasure. Of course, there is also the very big harpoon.
Other than claims, the basic functions of running the Company -- accounting, underwriting, and marketing -- are outsourced to a diverse cabal, in Gary, Indiana.
Once Ms. 401 understood that Hiram was indeed, a legitimate presidential contender --who if elected, might resume war games in the Bermuda Triangle -- she became apprehensive, and conferenced the call into the claims guru, Mr. Reg Ular Ira. Reg remarkably approved payment of Hiram's claim, in full.
"Just fax me your repair bills, invoices, and evidences of lost profits. We will pay you by return, overnight, mail. Just fax them in, er, Sir, Mr. President."
A grand reopening celebration along with a simultaneous political rally is now scheduled for August 1st. There will be music by the local bluegrass group, The Cavemen, and they will be assisted by the Stepford Spouses. Free corn dogs will be served.
Meanwhile, the criminal who tried to set fire to the Cafe has been identified. He is Leroy 'Arson' Carson, a frequently incarcerated two-bit torch.
Who might have hired Arson Carson to do harm to Hiram? That is the urgent question and the state fire marshal and the local police are actively pursuing the matter.
Hiram was furious. He urgently needed to commence both the cleanup and the repairs. He had to replenish the food inventory and announce a reopening date. Also, on his hands; the political campaign and a tempermental, 8 1/2, month, pregnant spouse.
He would call Great Harpoon's Home Office and demand immediate action. Unfortunately, the only address he could find, was the wording on the cover of the Company's comic book type policy. That is, "Located deep within the Bermuda Triangle.
He had premium notices from the Happy Bank of the Cayman Islands, but this institution listed only a post office box. No telephone numbers and no URLs. In Snapsville, not even the local insurance agent had additional information. Hiram felt like the oft disrespected comedian, Rodney Dangerfield.
As part of the Surprise Party's surprise campaign training, it's candidates have been learning more about the Internet and about computers in general. For instance, Hiram had learned about a massive, search engine called 'Google' where one can look up practically anything, at no charge, and usually recieve a fast, somewhat credible, answer. Hiram decided to try it.
Since Great Harpoon is 'deep within the Bermuda Triangle', Hiram clicked in the company name, and also the word: Triangle. The screen promptly spit out numerous trigonometry links as well as a list of insurance companies that have been associated with the notorius triangle On the list, there it was: Great Harpoon.
The display gave both an '800' number, and a list of the officers and directors including:
Roth Ira -- President and CEO
Reg Ular Ira -- Vice President of Claims
401 Kaye -- Secretary
Hiram dialed and got through to Ms. 401 Kaye. She informed him that the Great Harpoon home office is located on a ship, actually a 102 foot whaler, that struggles to stay afloat (the Company and the ship).
On board, there is a crew of ten exchange students and, five bearded executives, (including Ms. 401 Kaye) who are all related.
The vessel is loaded with communications gear, blank and moldy comic book insurance policies, cash and captured pirate treasure. Of course, there is also the very big harpoon.
Other than claims, the basic functions of running the Company -- accounting, underwriting, and marketing -- are outsourced to a diverse cabal, in Gary, Indiana.
Once Ms. 401 understood that Hiram was indeed, a legitimate presidential contender --who if elected, might resume war games in the Bermuda Triangle -- she became apprehensive, and conferenced the call into the claims guru, Mr. Reg Ular Ira. Reg remarkably approved payment of Hiram's claim, in full.
"Just fax me your repair bills, invoices, and evidences of lost profits. We will pay you by return, overnight, mail. Just fax them in, er, Sir, Mr. President."
A grand reopening celebration along with a simultaneous political rally is now scheduled for August 1st. There will be music by the local bluegrass group, The Cavemen, and they will be assisted by the Stepford Spouses. Free corn dogs will be served.
Meanwhile, the criminal who tried to set fire to the Cafe has been identified. He is Leroy 'Arson' Carson, a frequently incarcerated two-bit torch.
Who might have hired Arson Carson to do harm to Hiram? That is the urgent question and the state fire marshal and the local police are actively pursuing the matter.
7/05/2007
Political dirty tricks?
Some unpleasant, troublesome, events have been occurring in Snapsville -- Hiram has been receiving hate mail, urging him to drop out of the Presidential race, and also containing threats of both bodily harm to his family and property damage to his restaurant.
Worse, just before midnight Tuesday, Jimmy Adair, a local patrolman, surprised and apprehended a burglar inside the Hope Cafe. The intruder was in the process of pouring kerosene or some similar accelerant onto the floors and table tops. The Snapsville policeman caught and cuffed the trespasser before he could ignite the smelly liquid.
The prisoner remains unidentified and is stashed in the city jail. The Police Chief is concerned for this inmate's safety as Hiram is quite popular with the regular prisoners. The Hope Cafe sends leftover food to the jail, including remnants of Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding. The jail regulars gorge on this food and resent any disruption. They may feel obligated to be a little rough with the new inmate.
Although Hiram is concerned about the 'hate mail', he is furious about the damage to the cafe. The necessity to close for several days while cleaning, deodorizing, decontaminating and conferring with the insurance company has him irate. And, he is not fond of insurance companies.
Hiram has presented only one previous claim, a small accidental grease fire, that occurred in 2003. The repairs consisted of professional cleaning and painting. The insurance carrier reluctantly paid $6,700, but then cancelled Hiram's policy. The Company is quite prominent:
Carrier -- The Nuclear Glow Insurance Company
Slogan -- You and your good neighbors melt in our good hands
Hiram's local agent had difficulty finding a replacement policy, but eventually found one with a 'surplus lines' company, headquartered deep within the Bermuda Triangle:
Carrier -- The Great Harpoon Insurance Company
Slogan -- Sooner or later you will get the point
Tomorrow, Hiram meets with the adjuster from Great Harpoon.
In recent years this Company's policies have been criticized for not making sense. For being too complicated and for being written in non-comprehensible legalese. Most competing carriers have changed to an 'easy read' format. Take a look at your own Homeowners policy. They are now easier to read.
Last year Great Harpoon decided to upstage the industry by printing their own newer policies in a comic book mode. Yes, 43 pages of illustrated color graphics with separate drawings for each covered peril, each exclusion, each condition. Also, the carrier uses a full page for this important warning:
CAVEAT -- Great Harpoon Insurance Company is an incorporated entity and is recognized under the law of thr sea' as a legal person possessing a mind and its own emotions. Any claim submitted will be subject to:
1. Anger
2. Denial
3. Grief
4. Possible accommodation
5. Closure
Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, considers the policy to be a 'funny book' and he reads and studies it each time he is in Hiram's home. Foster may know more about the policy than anyone at Great Harpoon,and he is sure to advise Hiram as the claim progresses.
Meanwhile, there is still a political campaign to worry about.
_____________________________
Worse, just before midnight Tuesday, Jimmy Adair, a local patrolman, surprised and apprehended a burglar inside the Hope Cafe. The intruder was in the process of pouring kerosene or some similar accelerant onto the floors and table tops. The Snapsville policeman caught and cuffed the trespasser before he could ignite the smelly liquid.
The prisoner remains unidentified and is stashed in the city jail. The Police Chief is concerned for this inmate's safety as Hiram is quite popular with the regular prisoners. The Hope Cafe sends leftover food to the jail, including remnants of Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding. The jail regulars gorge on this food and resent any disruption. They may feel obligated to be a little rough with the new inmate.
Although Hiram is concerned about the 'hate mail', he is furious about the damage to the cafe. The necessity to close for several days while cleaning, deodorizing, decontaminating and conferring with the insurance company has him irate. And, he is not fond of insurance companies.
Hiram has presented only one previous claim, a small accidental grease fire, that occurred in 2003. The repairs consisted of professional cleaning and painting. The insurance carrier reluctantly paid $6,700, but then cancelled Hiram's policy. The Company is quite prominent:
Carrier -- The Nuclear Glow Insurance Company
Slogan -- You and your good neighbors melt in our good hands
Hiram's local agent had difficulty finding a replacement policy, but eventually found one with a 'surplus lines' company, headquartered deep within the Bermuda Triangle:
Carrier -- The Great Harpoon Insurance Company
Slogan -- Sooner or later you will get the point
Tomorrow, Hiram meets with the adjuster from Great Harpoon.
In recent years this Company's policies have been criticized for not making sense. For being too complicated and for being written in non-comprehensible legalese. Most competing carriers have changed to an 'easy read' format. Take a look at your own Homeowners policy. They are now easier to read.
Last year Great Harpoon decided to upstage the industry by printing their own newer policies in a comic book mode. Yes, 43 pages of illustrated color graphics with separate drawings for each covered peril, each exclusion, each condition. Also, the carrier uses a full page for this important warning:
CAVEAT -- Great Harpoon Insurance Company is an incorporated entity and is recognized under the law of thr sea' as a legal person possessing a mind and its own emotions. Any claim submitted will be subject to:
1. Anger
2. Denial
3. Grief
4. Possible accommodation
5. Closure
Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, considers the policy to be a 'funny book' and he reads and studies it each time he is in Hiram's home. Foster may know more about the policy than anyone at Great Harpoon,and he is sure to advise Hiram as the claim progresses.
Meanwhile, there is still a political campaign to worry about.
_____________________________
6/22/2007
Presidential Power
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power
-- Abraham Lincoln
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom
-- Stephen Vincent Benet
The oval office acts as a powerful magnet. The closer one gets to it, the greater the attraction
-- Hiram J. Hope
Hiram came to the roundtable this morning, somewhat perturbed. He is concerned that virtually all the lurkers and wannabe potential candidates are now sidling up to the dance floor. The wallflowers are actually walking out onto the floor and are cutting in on the prettiest girls. These procrastinators are now desperately acting like salmon on their upstream trek.
Fred Thompson is scoring high in the polls even though his blast-off announcement is not expected until July 4th. He is definitely dancing.
Michael Bloomberg is pirouetting and he is bringing his own hall, dance band and girls (the Rockettes, no doubt). He is also bringing his treasure.
Newt is trying to dance while still sitting on a fence. He does a mean mug-wump, bunny hop.
Al Gore is swaying near the band stand, causing the breezes to shift, as he anticipates certain awards. The noble Nobel Peace Prize may be his.
Meanwhile, here in Snapsville, Foster's teacher is still bad-mouthing Hiram's candidacy, "It will certainly be a 'fluke' should Mr. Hope win."
Hiram thought about printing some Tee shirts captioned:
Don't be a kook,
Vote for the Fluke.
Then Steve reminded Hiram that in addition to being a 'stroke of luck', a 'fluke' is also a vile, nasty, sucking, parasitic, worm-fish.
Hiram decided to order Tee shirts on another day.
___________________
-- Abraham Lincoln
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom
-- Stephen Vincent Benet
The oval office acts as a powerful magnet. The closer one gets to it, the greater the attraction
-- Hiram J. Hope
Hiram came to the roundtable this morning, somewhat perturbed. He is concerned that virtually all the lurkers and wannabe potential candidates are now sidling up to the dance floor. The wallflowers are actually walking out onto the floor and are cutting in on the prettiest girls. These procrastinators are now desperately acting like salmon on their upstream trek.
Fred Thompson is scoring high in the polls even though his blast-off announcement is not expected until July 4th. He is definitely dancing.
Michael Bloomberg is pirouetting and he is bringing his own hall, dance band and girls (the Rockettes, no doubt). He is also bringing his treasure.
Newt is trying to dance while still sitting on a fence. He does a mean mug-wump, bunny hop.
Al Gore is swaying near the band stand, causing the breezes to shift, as he anticipates certain awards. The noble Nobel Peace Prize may be his.
Meanwhile, here in Snapsville, Foster's teacher is still bad-mouthing Hiram's candidacy, "It will certainly be a 'fluke' should Mr. Hope win."
Hiram thought about printing some Tee shirts captioned:
Don't be a kook,
Vote for the Fluke.
Then Steve reminded Hiram that in addition to being a 'stroke of luck', a 'fluke' is also a vile, nasty, sucking, parasitic, worm-fish.
Hiram decided to order Tee shirts on another day.
___________________
6/07/2007
Diplomacy 101 -- Dining with the Enemy
To the amazement of one and all, Steve, Hiram's quirky brother, graduated from culinary school and with honors. He even received job offers from both the Cracker Barrel, over on the Interstate, and from the local IGA deli. All this attention prompted Steve to quiz Hiram regarding his new job and to inquire about fringe benefits offered at the Hope Cafe.
"Other than free meals, there are none," cautioned Hiram. "Just work hard and don't gormandize."
Meanwhile, early this morning, Stormy went to see Dr. Patel for a check-up and a sonogram. Little Hiram is expected to be a hefty baby and his ETA--+about August 15th. Stormy was urged to stay off her feet and to diet a bit.
Hiram closely monitored the recent New Hampshire Democratic and Republican debates. He stood in front of his full length mirror and practiced rebutting each of the candidates while choosing appropriate, effective, body language.
Hiram is hoping that the FCC will invoke the "fairness doctrine" that will force the networks and TV stations to offer the minor political parties and low budget candidates equal exposure. Hiram dreams of debating Mitt or Rudy and/or Hillary or Obama.
Faith mentioned that Democrat John Edwards is sending each of his contributors a copy of his mom's recipe for pecan pie. Hiram wondered whether he should similarly send out Stormy's recipe for Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding.
That would be publishing a trade secret much like if Coke should reveal their formula in USA Today. Yet, if some of the world's most hostile, evil, leaders are exposed to truly delicious cuisine, they may just sweeten up. For instance, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, has spent his life smelling, tasting and consuming kimchi---a known food WMD.
Rainy Days puddiing as well as Ms. Edward's pie might turn Kim around. Hiram (the impulsive decider) will have to meditate on this one.
________________________________
"Other than free meals, there are none," cautioned Hiram. "Just work hard and don't gormandize."
Meanwhile, early this morning, Stormy went to see Dr. Patel for a check-up and a sonogram. Little Hiram is expected to be a hefty baby and his ETA--+about August 15th. Stormy was urged to stay off her feet and to diet a bit.
Hiram closely monitored the recent New Hampshire Democratic and Republican debates. He stood in front of his full length mirror and practiced rebutting each of the candidates while choosing appropriate, effective, body language.
Hiram is hoping that the FCC will invoke the "fairness doctrine" that will force the networks and TV stations to offer the minor political parties and low budget candidates equal exposure. Hiram dreams of debating Mitt or Rudy and/or Hillary or Obama.
Faith mentioned that Democrat John Edwards is sending each of his contributors a copy of his mom's recipe for pecan pie. Hiram wondered whether he should similarly send out Stormy's recipe for Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding.
That would be publishing a trade secret much like if Coke should reveal their formula in USA Today. Yet, if some of the world's most hostile, evil, leaders are exposed to truly delicious cuisine, they may just sweeten up. For instance, the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong-il, has spent his life smelling, tasting and consuming kimchi---a known food WMD.
Rainy Days puddiing as well as Ms. Edward's pie might turn Kim around. Hiram (the impulsive decider) will have to meditate on this one.
________________________________
5/26/2007
Continuity of Government Commission
Text of E-mail sent to American Enterprise Institute re their "Continuity of Government Commission", which plans for survival in the event of devastating terrorist attacks.
Gentlemen and Ladies:
I am Hiram Hope, presidential nominee of the Surprise Party. For background information please see the link, below. While I am fictitious as is the Surprise Party, we have a keen interest in the progress of the Commission including its findings and recommendations. In reviewing your Web site, it frankly appears that you are stagnating with no activity reported since 2003.
These CONTINUITY issues are far too important and vital to be ignored, or addressed in a lackadaisical fashion. Please include us in or on any free mailing lists, newsletterrs, position papers, etc.
FOR A STRONGER AMERICA
Hiram J. Hope
Gentlemen and Ladies:
I am Hiram Hope, presidential nominee of the Surprise Party. For background information please see the link, below. While I am fictitious as is the Surprise Party, we have a keen interest in the progress of the Commission including its findings and recommendations. In reviewing your Web site, it frankly appears that you are stagnating with no activity reported since 2003.
These CONTINUITY issues are far too important and vital to be ignored, or addressed in a lackadaisical fashion. Please include us in or on any free mailing lists, newsletterrs, position papers, etc.
FOR A STRONGER AMERICA
Hiram J. Hope
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