"Transparent" is not a word that Hiram uses very much. Yet, the candidate is aware of the expanding definition---especially as it relates to political matters.
For instance, members of Congress are likely to keep their peers, the public, and the media, in the dark, when they introduce legislation. Likewise, a president seldom reveals the details of treaties that have to be ratified.
These are examples of the absence of 'transparency'. And what about this procedure called earmarks? A Dutch painter, Mr. Van Gogh, had a very realistic earmark.
Hiram is feeling a bit guilty for not being absolutely candid about this information.
"Back when we had the fire at the diner and Officer Jimmy Adair caught Leroy 'Arson' Carson, red handed, the question that remained was, who paid Carson?
"Now, we know. It was my quirky brother Steve's first wife. Lilly is her name and she is doing time."
Hiram was near tears.
"Also, the plan we had to buy the newspaper, the Snapsville Postscript, has fallen through. The new owner appears to be the New York Times.
"How's that for transparency?"
_________________________________
12/17/2010
12/09/2010
Welcome to Volume Two
Welcome to Volume Two in the saga of Hiram J Hope and his quest for the US presidency. I have become somewhat lackadaisical in reporting this matter, but will attempt to communicate on a weekly basis commencing Saturday, December 18th.
From all the gang: Hiram, Stormy, Herkimer, Steve, Faith, Foster, Josh, Reverend Ross, Bambi, Sinbad, John Shumaker, Fern and Deana, here's wishing you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS.
From all the gang: Hiram, Stormy, Herkimer, Steve, Faith, Foster, Josh, Reverend Ross, Bambi, Sinbad, John Shumaker, Fern and Deana, here's wishing you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS.
12/29/2009
Shopping at Victor's Secret
The topic of conversation at our 7:00 AM breakfast was Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, who I'll refer to as 'Umar', for obvious reasons. This was the guy, who planned destruction to Northwest Flight 253, headed for Detroit on last Christmas Day.
Attending at breakfast were Hiram and his quirky brother, Steve. Also Faith, Josh and me, and Steve's lady-friend, Clair Voyant, who fancied herself a sorceress (she drank her coffee from a sorcer).
We were short on details; however there was a consensus that Umar accidentally set himself on fire.
Then, Clair took over. "Umar was wearing an undergarment with sewed in pockets -- to hide the chemicals. You can get this underwear on special order at Victor's Secret. Umar was impatient attemting to ignite a fuse. Despite his dasterly deed, he'll probably recover."
Steve added, "I'm not so sure that all the terrorists want to be successful. They bumble, stumble, tumble and fumble all over the place---enough to scare the daylights out of people. Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, failed also. Now, this recent incident could be a diversion to get the media's attention away from the subject of say, Health Care."
Quirky Steve had a nose for smelling out conspiracy theories.
____________________________
Attending at breakfast were Hiram and his quirky brother, Steve. Also Faith, Josh and me, and Steve's lady-friend, Clair Voyant, who fancied herself a sorceress (she drank her coffee from a sorcer).
We were short on details; however there was a consensus that Umar accidentally set himself on fire.
Then, Clair took over. "Umar was wearing an undergarment with sewed in pockets -- to hide the chemicals. You can get this underwear on special order at Victor's Secret. Umar was impatient attemting to ignite a fuse. Despite his dasterly deed, he'll probably recover."
Steve added, "I'm not so sure that all the terrorists want to be successful. They bumble, stumble, tumble and fumble all over the place---enough to scare the daylights out of people. Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, failed also. Now, this recent incident could be a diversion to get the media's attention away from the subject of say, Health Care."
Quirky Steve had a nose for smelling out conspiracy theories.
____________________________
5/29/2009
DON'T FENCE HIRAM IN
"I have opinions of my own...strong opinions...but I don't always agree with them."
George H. W. Bush
"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to the facts."
Mark Twain
Hiram was excited. Josh Rugby had leaked, prematurely, that the Snapsville Postscript was for sale. For a song, too! Hiram literally burst into a unique rendition of High Hopes.
If the truth were known, the newspaper, like so many others, was a step away from bankruptcy. The 3,000 circulation weekly had commenced publishing a primitive 'On Line' edition, three years ago, but it was still struggling.
Hiram envisioned himself the publisher, with Josh Rugby, editor and Stormy, Hiram's spouse, doing features and a column.
As to money and financial wherewithal, he would model after the cheeseheads, yes, the Green Bay Packers. He would sell stock and bonds to and among the Snapsville community.
Never mind, that Hiram has a restaurant to run or a political party to placate.
He wants to pontificate as a publisher.
"Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant."
__________
George H. W. Bush
"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to the facts."
Mark Twain
Hiram was excited. Josh Rugby had leaked, prematurely, that the Snapsville Postscript was for sale. For a song, too! Hiram literally burst into a unique rendition of High Hopes.
If the truth were known, the newspaper, like so many others, was a step away from bankruptcy. The 3,000 circulation weekly had commenced publishing a primitive 'On Line' edition, three years ago, but it was still struggling.
Hiram envisioned himself the publisher, with Josh Rugby, editor and Stormy, Hiram's spouse, doing features and a column.
As to money and financial wherewithal, he would model after the cheeseheads, yes, the Green Bay Packers. He would sell stock and bonds to and among the Snapsville community.
Never mind, that Hiram has a restaurant to run or a political party to placate.
He wants to pontificate as a publisher.
"Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant."
__________
4/25/2009
Curtain call
In order that you keep up with our myriad of characters, we will reintroduce the main players with a curtain call:
HIRAM---the protagonist, owner of the Hope Cafe. Candidate for US President and Herkimer's daddy
STORMY---his spouse, former runner up for Miss Kentucky; famous for her 'Rainy days and Mondays' banana pudding. Mother of Herkimer.
STEVE---Most US presidents have one---Hiram's quirky brother. He is divorced and has custody of his (now 8) year old son.
FAITH---Loyal waitress and campaign treasuer
JOSH RUGBY---Hiram's good friend and sports editor of the Snapsville Postscript
REVEREND ROSS ---Hiram's pastor at 3rd Pentecostal Church
BAMBI---Hiram's mother
SINBAD---Hiram's daddy
FOSTER---Hiram's nephew, aged 8. Son of quirky Steve.
JOHN SHUMAKER---Chairman and operations manager of the Surprise Party.
FERN and DEANA: Ladies, who are sisters and do odd jobs around the diner.
_________________________________
During the spring, not much has happened on the local level. Nationally, the big banks and auto-makers continue to predict bankruptcy, and I guess Pontiac as a brand name is gone.
We (Hiram, Josh and I) did attend a bedbug conference at the Sheraton in Arlington, VA. It seems that anytime, anyone mentions a recession or a depression there is an increase in bedbug infestations.
The nasty criitters attack an hour before dawn and they feed on human blood (vampire style). Since the EPA banned DDT and other potent pesticides, the insects have thrived. When the bugs are squished they emit a putrid odor. Cockroaches are their avowed enemies.
Hiram wants to get a speaking engagement at the next bedbug summit.
More, soon.
________________________________
HIRAM---the protagonist, owner of the Hope Cafe. Candidate for US President and Herkimer's daddy
STORMY---his spouse, former runner up for Miss Kentucky; famous for her 'Rainy days and Mondays' banana pudding. Mother of Herkimer.
STEVE---Most US presidents have one---Hiram's quirky brother. He is divorced and has custody of his (now 8) year old son.
FAITH---Loyal waitress and campaign treasuer
JOSH RUGBY---Hiram's good friend and sports editor of the Snapsville Postscript
REVEREND ROSS ---Hiram's pastor at 3rd Pentecostal Church
BAMBI---Hiram's mother
SINBAD---Hiram's daddy
FOSTER---Hiram's nephew, aged 8. Son of quirky Steve.
JOHN SHUMAKER---Chairman and operations manager of the Surprise Party.
FERN and DEANA: Ladies, who are sisters and do odd jobs around the diner.
_________________________________
During the spring, not much has happened on the local level. Nationally, the big banks and auto-makers continue to predict bankruptcy, and I guess Pontiac as a brand name is gone.
We (Hiram, Josh and I) did attend a bedbug conference at the Sheraton in Arlington, VA. It seems that anytime, anyone mentions a recession or a depression there is an increase in bedbug infestations.
The nasty criitters attack an hour before dawn and they feed on human blood (vampire style). Since the EPA banned DDT and other potent pesticides, the insects have thrived. When the bugs are squished they emit a putrid odor. Cockroaches are their avowed enemies.
Hiram wants to get a speaking engagement at the next bedbug summit.
More, soon.
________________________________
10/14/2008
Counting your chickens
Hiram actually seemed chipper, as he mixed pancake batter with pithy banter at 6:00 AM. in the Hope Cafe. His customer base (for breakfast) consisted of six or seven loyalists.
Josh Rugby was first to arrive, "Hi, Hiram. Who do you like in the Series?"
"I don't care, if the Braves aren't in it. They let me down---Come to think of it---I let a bunch of people down, too"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, man! Look for the silver lining."
Josh, although he had written a piece on the Obama/McCain debate at Hofstra, he would stay clear of politcal talk. The Surprise Party had unceremoniously dumped Hiram, while he was confined at the Snaps Mental Resource Center. The rejection letter was short and to the point:
Dear Mr. Hope:
In view of your boorish conduct, commencing in January, 2,008 and continuing, you will disassociate yourself with the Surprise
Party, it's platform, it's creed, it's song and it's bird, effective
ASAP.
The letter was unsigned but on official party stationery.
Reverend Ross was the next customer and he offered to exchange, with Hiram, three weeks of counseling, for ten breakfasts. This offer was politely declined.
It had turned into a routine, humdrum, morming. Stormy, his spouse, had her hands full with their year old tot, Herkimer, but she did find time to do Rainy days and Monday's banana pudding. After all, it was drizzling.
The afternoon was not humdrum. Hiram's nephew Foster, a second grader, had to 'stay in' for pulling a chair out from another student.
Hiram had to leave the Cafe and make peace with the teacher and the injured kid's parents who were threatening a lawsuit.
When he returned to the diner he noticed an obese man eating cherry pie. A closer glimpse revealed him to be the one and only, John Shumaker, the chairman of the Surprise Party.
"Hello Hiram. We have to talk."
What unmitigated nerve, thought Hiram, but he remained silent.
Shumaker apologized for abandoning Hiram. Then he swooped in with the meat.
"Hiram, the Surprise Party is only on the ballot in nine states and I'm pretty desperate. We need a candidate to stand up for us now in the nine states and to go on and represent us in the 2,012 election. We need a courageous, energetic, above reproach, person".
Hiram beamed with an egotistic smile. "Well, just who might that person be?"
"Since Ms. Palin has tested the waters with much sucess, we would be pleased to have as the 2,012 candidate of the Surprise Party, former runner up for Miss. Kentucky, Ms. Stormy Hope."
Hiram rolled his eyes and was close to tears.
John laughed and all his 325 lbs shook.
"Nope, I'm just teasing! I wouldn't take Stormy away from that banana pudding. We are stuck with you, Mr Hope, and congratulations."
All was forgiven.
_________________
Josh Rugby was first to arrive, "Hi, Hiram. Who do you like in the Series?"
"I don't care, if the Braves aren't in it. They let me down---Come to think of it---I let a bunch of people down, too"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, man! Look for the silver lining."
Josh, although he had written a piece on the Obama/McCain debate at Hofstra, he would stay clear of politcal talk. The Surprise Party had unceremoniously dumped Hiram, while he was confined at the Snaps Mental Resource Center. The rejection letter was short and to the point:
Dear Mr. Hope:
In view of your boorish conduct, commencing in January, 2,008 and continuing, you will disassociate yourself with the Surprise
Party, it's platform, it's creed, it's song and it's bird, effective
ASAP.
The letter was unsigned but on official party stationery.
Reverend Ross was the next customer and he offered to exchange, with Hiram, three weeks of counseling, for ten breakfasts. This offer was politely declined.
It had turned into a routine, humdrum, morming. Stormy, his spouse, had her hands full with their year old tot, Herkimer, but she did find time to do Rainy days and Monday's banana pudding. After all, it was drizzling.
The afternoon was not humdrum. Hiram's nephew Foster, a second grader, had to 'stay in' for pulling a chair out from another student.
Hiram had to leave the Cafe and make peace with the teacher and the injured kid's parents who were threatening a lawsuit.
When he returned to the diner he noticed an obese man eating cherry pie. A closer glimpse revealed him to be the one and only, John Shumaker, the chairman of the Surprise Party.
"Hello Hiram. We have to talk."
What unmitigated nerve, thought Hiram, but he remained silent.
Shumaker apologized for abandoning Hiram. Then he swooped in with the meat.
"Hiram, the Surprise Party is only on the ballot in nine states and I'm pretty desperate. We need a candidate to stand up for us now in the nine states and to go on and represent us in the 2,012 election. We need a courageous, energetic, above reproach, person".
Hiram beamed with an egotistic smile. "Well, just who might that person be?"
"Since Ms. Palin has tested the waters with much sucess, we would be pleased to have as the 2,012 candidate of the Surprise Party, former runner up for Miss. Kentucky, Ms. Stormy Hope."
Hiram rolled his eyes and was close to tears.
John laughed and all his 325 lbs shook.
"Nope, I'm just teasing! I wouldn't take Stormy away from that banana pudding. We are stuck with you, Mr Hope, and congratulations."
All was forgiven.
_________________
1/29/2008
The Hiram Hope Hiatus
It's been a long time since you've heard from us and a lot has happened. Just before August 1st, reacting to the aggregate pressures of the cafe fire, the political race, and Stormy's pregnancy, Hiram snapped. He had a severe emotional and nervous breakdown.
It was on July 28th that Hiram simply threw a screaming, hissy fit in which he verbally attacked us all. He fired Steve, his quirky brother, and his waitress, Faith. He also discharged all the volunteer campaign workers including Josh Rugby and me.
The next day he stood in the street, on the square, where he played a bass drum and tried to auction off the Hope Cafe to passersby.
He received a $147 bid which he almost accepted. After a couple of hours, Hiram was making so much noise, that Patrolman Adair took him in.
The Chief of Police, convinced that Hiram's erractic behaviour was serious and not from temporary substance abuse, transported him over to the Mental Health Resource Center at Snaps County Hospital. Patrolman Adair brought Stormy to this facility where she signed to admit Hiram.
He spent 80 days as an inpatient. Now, at his discharge, his prognosis is good but he must avoid heavy stress and stay on his medications, primarily a sensational new pill called La-la-lan.
_________________
Herkimer Hiram Hope was born August 16, weighing in at 9 lbs, 2 oz. The grandparents, Sinbad and Bambi, immediately came to help Stormy with the baby and as of late January, they are still in residence at the Hope abode. The baby is normal, cute and fine.
Steve supervised and completed the fire damage repairs and Hiram is now thinking of reopening. He wants to bring back the old crew.
Faith is now working at the Cracker Barrel and is making a good bit more, but she is on her feet a good bit more. She misses being allowed to flirt with the customers and of course she misses Hiram's political shenanigans. She is expected to return.
Hiram also wants to restart and reinvigorate the campaign but knows the powers at the Surprise Party will be less than enthusiastic. He has also inquired of Josh Rugby and me and we have both agreed to go slow.
That's a conditional 'maybe'.
It was on July 28th that Hiram simply threw a screaming, hissy fit in which he verbally attacked us all. He fired Steve, his quirky brother, and his waitress, Faith. He also discharged all the volunteer campaign workers including Josh Rugby and me.
The next day he stood in the street, on the square, where he played a bass drum and tried to auction off the Hope Cafe to passersby.
He received a $147 bid which he almost accepted. After a couple of hours, Hiram was making so much noise, that Patrolman Adair took him in.
The Chief of Police, convinced that Hiram's erractic behaviour was serious and not from temporary substance abuse, transported him over to the Mental Health Resource Center at Snaps County Hospital. Patrolman Adair brought Stormy to this facility where she signed to admit Hiram.
He spent 80 days as an inpatient. Now, at his discharge, his prognosis is good but he must avoid heavy stress and stay on his medications, primarily a sensational new pill called La-la-lan.
_________________
Herkimer Hiram Hope was born August 16, weighing in at 9 lbs, 2 oz. The grandparents, Sinbad and Bambi, immediately came to help Stormy with the baby and as of late January, they are still in residence at the Hope abode. The baby is normal, cute and fine.
Steve supervised and completed the fire damage repairs and Hiram is now thinking of reopening. He wants to bring back the old crew.
Faith is now working at the Cracker Barrel and is making a good bit more, but she is on her feet a good bit more. She misses being allowed to flirt with the customers and of course she misses Hiram's political shenanigans. She is expected to return.
Hiram also wants to restart and reinvigorate the campaign but knows the powers at the Surprise Party will be less than enthusiastic. He has also inquired of Josh Rugby and me and we have both agreed to go slow.
That's a conditional 'maybe'.
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