3/28/2007

Campaign Conference

After school each day, Hiram's six year old nephew, Foster, walks from Snapsville Elementary to the Hope Cafe, a distance of three blocks. He always arrives at about 3:30 and is very happy that his uncle and aunt are in the food business. His mid-afternoon snack has become a ritual and Hiram looks forward to sitting down and chatting with the boy. Today, Foster appeared to be more agitated than usual.

"Uncle Hiram, my teacher says that there is no way that you can win the Presidential election. And she told that to the whole class."

"Oh, Fos. There are a lot of people who don't see us winning. It is not a sure thing, but it is certainly possible."

"Miss Gage said that to win you will need many electrical volts and that our small state has only eight electrical volts."

Hiram chuckled. "It's electoral, not electrical; votes, not volts."

"Well, even if it is votes---don't we need more than eight?"

"Foster, eat the rest of your tapioca. The presidential election process is convoluted. That is, its a mixed-up system. Here's the thing. If no candidate gets a majority of the country's electoral votes, the House of Representatives in Washington chooses the President. So, maybe, even if we are in third place, we can win."

"And, Miss Gage, could get a shock from the Surprise Party, even though the votes aren't electrical."

"Finish your Tapioca."

3/22/2007

Worthy winged species?

Hiram knocked briefly on my door, twisted the knob, and let himself in. He caught me in the midst of consuming a Dagwood style bologna sandwich.

"Hey, haven't you heard? There is a pretty good restaurant in this town. We serve superb cold cuts, ham, cheese and sliced turkey breast."

"Well, Hiram, if this campaign manager's job were not voluntary, perhaps I could afford to eat at your establishment. Speaking of turkey, though, what about the Surprise Party's bird? Any ideas?"

"Yes, I have. I like the dodo bird but it happens to be extinct."

"Extinct won't do."

"I'm thinking of another one. It's a big bird that has persistence and endurance. When I went to 'Nam four or five of them followed our troop transport, all the way. The creatures were rewarded with an all they could eat buffet, as the garbage was thrown over the sides."

"Good choice!" I said, "Many of the birds hung out at Midway Island where they nested and rested and trained the baby birds to fly."

"I, Hiram J. Hope, do affirm and declare that the official bird of the Surprise Party is the mighty ALBATROSS affectionly known as the GOONEY BIRD.

3/18/2007

Campaign sing-along---Contest

Sundays are very quiet in downtown Snapsville, especially, on the square. All the businesses, including the Hope Cafe, are closed. Within a mile you'll maybe find a couple of guys hanging out at the volunteer fire house and you may see a collection of kids and daddies trying to fly remote control model airplanes at the park.

In contrast, there is hustle and bustle three miles away at Snapsville Mall. Shoppers flow in from a 50-mile radius. Older male teenagers hang out showing off their souped up vehicles. And they are attracted by the fast food joints and by older female teenagers who have early on, mastered the intimate skills of mall commerce.

I stay away from that scene and usually nap. Today, however, at 1:30, I received a call.

"This is Hiram. Just wondering whether you and Steve finished up on the campaign song?"

I had to answer in the negative but I told him I'd be working on it, this day.

You may wonder why Hiram is putting so much emphasis on some silly jingle. Well, when Hiram attended the Surprise Party's strategy session in the Catskills the leaders pointed out that in addition to a lack of funding most Surprise Party candidates have minimal name recognition.

To remedy this latter problem the candidates are urged to write letters to editors, take speaking engagements, obtain interviews on NPR and other elctronic media, utilize the free services of the Internet and to have a CAMPAIGN SONG.

It was also pointed out that instead of paying royalties, or risking a lawsuit from a composer/publisher for an existing copyrighted song, the candidate should choose a formerly copyrighted song. A song that would now be in the Public Domain and free to use, make changes to, rewrite, and not owe anyone a plug nickel.

Further, the Surprise Party candidates learned that all songs that were published in the United States prior to 1923 are now in the Public Domain and are free, free, free, forever for anyone's use.

I've looked at a list of some of these pre-1923 ditties. Many are duds, others are silly duds. Yet, there are a few that we still use and consider to be standards. Well, such as: Danny Boy, Won't You Come Home Bill Baily, and the St. Louis Blues.

Steve, the quirky brother of Hiram, and I have conferenced and have found a Public Domain tune that we want to work with. It is titled: Ja-da, Ja-da. It was written by Bob Carleton and published in 1918. Steve suggested that we have a contest for the parody of the song that would best enhance Hiram's campaign.

The contest is open to all customers of the Hope Cafe and to readers of this blog who are not current political office holders, or employees of the Hope Cafe. The first two words of your entry must be Hiram, Hiram, instead of Ja-da, Ja-da. Otherwise, let your creative juices flow.
The original lyrics are as follows:

Ja-da, Ja-da,
ja-da, ja-da jing, jing jing.

Ja-da, Ja-da,
jada jada, jing jing jing.

That's a funny little bit of melody.
It's so soft and appealing to me.

It goes Ja-da, Ja-da,
jada jada, jing jing jing.


The first place winner will receive a heaping bowl of Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding on each Monday for a year. Contest entries must be received by 04/01/2007.

Judges will be our own Fern and Deana.


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3/13/2007

Will Fred Thompson run?

The onset of Daylight Savings Time threw a monkey wrench into our daily 6:00 AM roundtable. It just seemed too early, too dark and too cold to get to Hope on schedule.

Today, I did improve and arrived at 6:15. Josh Rugby, the sports writer, beat me by a minute and, of course, Hiram and Faith had been in place since 5:30.

Hiram was ranting a bit about 'undecided' candidates. "Its kind of expected that Newt and Al Gore would hang back, but why should Senator Hagel and former Senator Thompson have press conferences to announce that they 'don't know' whether they are running? Procrastination is not my game. As someone named Bush once said---"I'm the decider."

That was a good point and Faith brought up another. "If Fred Thompson leaves Law and Order for a higher calling, who will be the Big Apple's new District Attorney?" She answered her own question. "Of course, Jack McCoy. He has been an assistant for over ten years and deserves the promotion."

"Is that a promotion?" I asked. " The DA speaks only 5 or 6 lines per episode while the Assistant DAs carry the show." It is amazing how we can mingle real and fictional people, merge true facts and fake ones, and consider it all to be genuine and authentic, as long as we are entertained.

Josh had another idea. "I would bring back Abbie Carmichael (Angie Harmon) and make her the new DA. That would help the ratings and show that there is no glass ceiling holding the women back. Jack McCoy would have to adjust to the new boss, whom he previously ordered around. There would be some, hmmm, tension."

Slowly, we drifted to another subject as Josh started complaining about several very good basketball teams who failed to get an invitation to the Big Dance. Hiram interrupted and reminded me to call his brother, Steve, and for us to make haste in preparing a campaign song.

By 6:45 AM, it seemed that we had solved at least a few of the world's problems.

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Post any 'commemts' below.



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3/11/2007

Biography of this presidential candidate

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:


Who is HIRAM J. HOPE?


Born in rural Ohio in 1964, legend has it that Hiram is a distant decendant, grand-cousin, of the great comedian, Bob Hope. In early adulthood, Hiram tried to confirm such a link, but found that the only funny people among his ancestors were rodeo clowns.

Hiram's daddy, Sinbad, was a railroad man and his mom, the former Bambi Leaper, taught school and was a dancer. Hiram had three older siblings, one of each gender.

Hiram was educated in the Ohio public schools and then matriculated to Ohio Tech where he was student manager and physical therapist for the debate team. Because of Sinbad's railroad job the Hopes moved around a bit, but they never seemed to get off track.

Tired of the nomadic life, Sinbad moved the family to Snapsville in 1985 where he purchased the Hope Cafe, now owned and managed by Hiram. Sinbad and Bambi are now retired to Arizona and are undecided whether to vote for Hiram or Senator McCain.

Two of the older siblings are in Tibet finding themselves, but brother Steve Foster Hope resides in Snapsville. He is a budding, somewhat quirky, songwriter. Hiram believes that every president is entitled to an odd, eccentric, brother.

Steve is divorced and has custody of his six-year-old son, Foster. Hiram's young nephew loves to bus tables (and pick up tips) but Hiram is afraid of getting pinched, for violating child labor laws.

In 2004, Hiram married his first and only wife, Stormy, former runner up for Miss Kentucky. Hiram is now the only presidential hopeful with a known pregnant wife. Stormy is approaching four months.

Hiram has been a member of most local civic organizations, including the Toastmasters, and he serves as a deacon at Third Pentecostal Church of Snapsville. He loves to stay out front, at the cafe, schmoozing with customers while Stormy cooks and risks dishpan hands.

Hiram is now the official 2008 presidential candidate of the Surprise Party.

Follow events at: fixin2rain.blogspot.com

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3/08/2007

The political party? It's a Surprise.

While most of Snapsville received Hiram's presidential announcement with mild amusement, in some quarters it was received with shock and awe. No one really knew the background or the motivation for such a decision. Yesterday, I had a chance to sit down, privately, with the candidate and hear the details. I stayed silent as Hiram spoke:

"Four weeks ago I went missing from Snapsville. I had received an invitation to attend a clandestine political seminar being held in the Catskills. It was being moderated by an old college buddy, John Shumaker.

John is now chief of operations of The Surprise Party---a lesser known but legitimate political party. 'Surprise' ran a presidential ticket in 2004, but they were then in only three states. Now, we are in seven.

"The candidate chosen for the upcoming 2008 run, has taken ill. He has bilateral restless foot syndrome. Under the circumstances and since it is believed that I am reasonably fit, John has asked me to replace the sick candidate. After some arm twisting, I accepted, even though I now feel like I have restless arm syndrome.

"The Surprise Party expects to be on the ballot in twenty some odd states by November 2008. That's a significant increase, and we can make an impact---at least affecting the voting and issues in the two major parties. We are presently working on the platform and on selecting the campaign song and the party's bird. You can help us with these tasks.

"Tomorrow, I will give you a copies of my bio for wide distribution.

Thanks."


Post pertinent 'comments' below.

3/04/2007

Political mistakes

It took a couple of days to sink in---that Hiram seriously thinks he can make a run for the Presidency. Yet, he already is making major mistakes. For instance, his initial announcement was made Thursday mornng and the deadline for the local newspaper, the Postscript, is each Wednesday at noon. The paper comes out each Friday. This means it will be March 9th before the newspaper story hits the street.

The Postscript does have an online edition that no one seems to read. By accident, though, a preschooler clicked the site and observed this headline:

Local Raconteur seeks White House.

The tot thought the word used was 'racketeer' and told his mom. A few minutes later Hiram received a call informing him that the Postscript had called him a crook.

There were other mistakes.

One reason Hiram married Stormy, some three years ago, is the fantastic and rapid banana pudding that she concocts. Mondays are traditionally slow days in the restaurant business. Mondays and inclement, snowy, rainy, days.

Stormy decided to feature the dish on these slow days calling it---Rainy Days and Mondays Banana Pudding---and each hour on Mondays she plays the familiar Carpenter's recording.

Monday has became Hope's busiest and most crowded day and even the truckers now leave the interstate and drive the five miles to the square. They try to park their big rigs near Hope where large parking spaces are limited. As one trucker put it, "Having terrific digestion trumps traffic congestion, anytime."

The point here is that Hiram should have made his announcement at lunch-time on a Monday when the place was packed, rather than in the early morning, on a puddingless day, before only a few.

Oh, yes! another mistake---Hiram has asked me to serve as his campaign manager. And a final mistake---I have accepted.
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3/01/2007

The Announcement---to run for President

For the past month, my friend, Hiram Hope, has been acting quite bizarre. Hiram operates the Faith, Hope and Charity Cafe, which is in the center of---on the square---in downtown Snapsville.

Hiram's wierd behavior started when he first learned that the Snapsville Mall planned to lease-out space for a Starbucks. Although the Mall is nearly three miles away Hiram has been concerned that he will take a huge hit with each morning's business. The Cafe was renovated and repainted an ivory color followwing a grease fire three years ago. Since then its been known as the New White Hope Cafe or simply Hope on the Square.

We, old guys usually have a 6:00 AM roundtable there. By that time Hiram's wife, Stormy, is in the back mixing pancake batter and such, and the waitress, Faith, is flirting with the early customers including our group.

We have all insisted to Hiram that he should not sweat Starbucks and that their customers are a different breed entirely. The more we stay on that subject, the more Hiram expresses paranoia

For instance, on Friday, he hired two ladies, Fern and Deana, from his adjunct wait staff. Each lady stood beside a small table covered with cups of hot coffee. Fern's table had cups that were labeled 'Starbucks Tall, $1.65' and consisted of Starbucks 8 ounce, smallest cup size. Not tall at all.

Deana's table displayed Hope's 12-ounce, brimming cups, which were clearly priced at $.75.

If potential customers approached the Starbucks table, Fern would hand the customer a full Starbucks cup and say, "Please enjoy a tall one."

Then, Deana would approach and rudely interrupt, "You call that tall? Let me show you a 'real' tall."

It was kind of a Crocodile Dundee moment without the knife.

The customers were entertained by the clever stunt but not too many mid-morning coffee seekers actually wanted to imbibe twelve additional ounces of hot caffiene.

Hiram let Fern and Deana tote the untouched, full, cups back to the unemployment office, from whence they had come, and where it was joyously received.

Last week, though, takes the cake. I don't think Hiram is Bipolar, but if he is, he was having a very magical manic moment.

We came in for the 6:00 AM roundtable and found four large American flags were situated behind a desk. Chairs had been placed, in a semi-circle, in front of the desk and the juke box was playing Ray Charles' rendition of 'America the Beautiful'. Hiram's six-year-old nephew, Foster, was capturing the moment, snapping pictures with Hiram's cell phone.

Already seated were Josh Rugby, sports writer for the Snapsville Postscript, Reverend Ross of 3rd Pentecostal and Father Hopkins of Our Lady of the Mountain Dew.
Also, a family of tourists as well as Fern and Deana.

Hiram, looking somber, asked that we be quiet. He then strolled behind the desk, stared at us and began:

"My fellow Americans, my friends, my customers, my spouse and my employees---do not laugh!---Whoa! Let the laughing cease! I am announcing my candidacy for the presidency of the United States.---Whoa!

I have consulted at length with my loving wife, Stormy, and with Reverend Ross and I have spent many hours researching the Web. I have ordered a kit for $59.95 that explains how to get on the ballot in all 50 states and how to raise substantial money from the Internet. Soon, I will get into my platform shoes and we can go over the issues.

Meanwhile, I want to appoint and deputize each of you as members of my inner-circle, as my handlers, and as my spokespeople.

Faith, my waitress, has some literature for you. So, as you leave, walk by Faith. That's our strategy for now---to walk by Faith".

There was intermittent applause.

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